SOME RELATIVELY RECENT COLLEGE GRADS DISCUSS THEIR MAIDS
by ELLIE KEMPER

To: NYC-Buckley-Alumni@bulldogs.net
From: Cara Nester ’06
Subject: maids service?

Hi, List! I hope everyone is well. I am writing to see if anyone has a recommendation for a good maids service in the West Village. My roommates and I have high-paying jobs and booming social lives that keep us out most of the time, but when we do happen to be home, we need it to be clean! And we don’t want to do it ourselves.

The world needs a 3-lb, 680-page humor anthology.
Thanks in advance!
Cara Nester ’06


To: NYC-Buckley-Alumni@bulldogs.net
From: Charles Manny ’03
Subject: Re: maids service?

Hi, Cara. Didn’t we roofie each other once when you were a freshman? You have brown hair, right? With honey highlights? I use an excellent maid company that services the Upper East Side. However, I am sure that if you paid more money someone would make the trip down to the Village. What sort of things are you looking to have cleaned? I have found my girl to be particularly helpful in cleaning my subwoofers, my leather couch, and the rest of my enormous apartment with wraparound view. Let me know if you would like her phone number (or mine).

Bulldogs forever.
C


“Bracing and urgent… the writers offer a sense of communal feeling, bravery, and triumph.” – Publishers Weekly
To: NYC-Buckley-Alumni@bulldogs.net
From: Kathryn Dennis ’05
Subject: Re: maids service?

Hi, Bulldogs!

Arf arf arf!!

I have the best maid! I love her so much. She is really cute!! She is short and sweet and smells like Pine-Sol. She is particularly good at cleaning bathrooms. She is funny, too! She is always giggling and is so so so super-sweet! I make such big messes when I cook and she is soooooooo good at cleaning them up! She is really sweet. I love her. I want to eat her! Chomp chomp chomp. Arf arf arf!

“This is the kind of magazine you keep on your bookshelves with your favorite books.”
— Cece Bell, author of El Deafo
I am not sure whether or not she has a name. But if you give me your address, Cara, I can put her in a cab and direct the cab driver to drive to that address.

On another note: Does anyone know how to go about getting advance tickets for the game against Oxley? Lemme know!

Love and bulldogs, arf!!

xoxo
kat


All proceeds from What We Seek benefit the International Congress of Youth Voices. Too often young people are excluded from the political decisions that shape their lives. The International…
To: NYC-Buckley-Alumni@bulldogs.net
From: Melissa Frank ’05
Subject: maids service, etc.

Hi, everyone. Kathryn, you can get tickets for the game against Oxley by going to the alumni website and clicking on “Tickets: Game Against Oxley.” That will take you to a site where you can purchase tickets for the game. Let me know if you have any trouble.

Also, Bulldogs, please remember Annual Giving. It doesn’t matter how much you give; it can be $5 or $5,000. Participation is what is key. Remember that your gift amounts will be engraved and displayed on a gigantic plaque at the entrance to the John H. Sununu Gymnasium. The plaque alone will cost $18,000.

As for maids, you can get them for a dime a dozen if you hit Canal Street anytime after 2:30 on a weekday. Let me know if you have any trouble.

Thanks, everyone.

Best,
Melissa ’05


To: NYC-Buckley-Alumni@bulldogs.net
From: Tyler Hoxton ’06
Subject: Re: maids service, etc.

hey, does anyone know of a maid who specializes in vomit? our loft is covered in some oxley dude’s vomit and has been since sunday morning. it is now thursday. our entire loft smells like leftover vomit and it is unclear to me and my roommates where to get disinfectant spray or some shit like that. our moms are coming to visit this weekend and we would like to have the vomit taken care of by then. if anyone has any extra maids, please just send them over.

also, we are having a party on saturday. all are welcome. 437 first ave., apt. 3. starting around midnight. if you vomit we will scalp you.

TH


To: NYC-Buckley-Alumni@bulldogs.net
From: Stephanie Nitts ‘05
Subject: Ty’s party / maids

Hey, Tyler—can’t wait for the party. Amazing!

I have 14 maids. I graduated two years ago and have a lot of things that need cleaning. I would be happy to recommend any of my maids. They are from all over the world and speak tiny bits of English. This is nice because if you are sitting in your apartment and you’re pissed off, the last thing you want to do is make small talk with your maid. Luckily, small talk is close to impossible with a maid who hardly speaks English.

I haven’t received my Christmas traveling dates from my stepmom yet, but as soon as she e-mails my flight info and itinerary, I will be sure to let you all know what days my maids will have off. Hope everyone is having a good holiday season.

See most of you Saturday.

Hugs,
Steph


To: NYC-Buckley-Alumni@bulldogs.net
From: Kathryn Dennis ‘05
Subject: Re: Ty’s party / maids

STEPHANIE NITTS! ARE YOU KIDDING ME! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!! WHEN DID YOU MOVE TO THE CITY???!?!?!!!! I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE YOU!!! I cannot believe it. YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY AH AH AIE AIE YAY AIE WHOOOO!!!!!

so so so so so much love
xxxxxxx
ARF!!
kat


To: NYC-Buckley-Alumni@bulldogs.net
From: Arnold Dean ’52
Subject: listserv abuse

Kathryn, please do not use the alumni listserv for personal communications.

I have lived in the city for over 50 years now and have plenty of good maids to recommend. I have found that most of them will work for little to no pay, if that is of any consequence to you. My wife died 48 years ago, and my maids are often my only comfort here in this deceptively bustling city.

So raise your voice
And sing out loud,
Join your hearts,
Make Bulldogs proud.
Boom boom boom rah!

Arnold Dean ’52


To: NYC-Buckley-Alumni@bulldogs.net
From: Jessica Townsend ’07
Subject: Re: listserve abuse

Greetings, Bulldogs. This is slightly off-topic, but does anyone understand public transportation in the city? I am trying to get from the Upper West Side to Chelsea and I have been staring at a map for over an hour now. Has anyone ridden the underground subway train or taken the city bus before? I am near tears.

Jessi


To: NYC-Buckley-Alumni@bulldogs.net
From: Arnold Dean ’52
Subject: dead wife

Jessica: Do not take public transportation. That is exactly how my wife died. Forty-eight years ago next week.

So take our hands
And lift our eyes
Till Bulldog Heaven
Is our prize.
Sis sis sis boom!

Arnold Dean ’52


To: NYC-Buckley-Alumni@bulldogs.net
From: Daniel Fig ’07
Subject: Re: maid service?

Good morning, Bulldogs. I have a very good maid who comes every other week and charges a reasonable rate. If anyone is interested in her, just shoot me an e-mail.

I have been out of college only since June and have already made $95,000.

Fig


To: Daniel Fig ’07
From: Arnold Dean ’52
Subject: What the hell?

Hi, Daniel. How on earth are you making that much money? Ever since my wife died, it has been very difficult for me to make any money. Please help an old Bulldog out.

So grab a glass
And raise it high.
The Bulldog in us
Will not die.
Rah rah rah hey!

Arnold Dean ’52


To: NYC-Buckley-Alumni@bulldogs.net
From: Cara Nester ’06
Subject: Thanks!

Thank you to everyone for all your help! My roommates and I will actually be transferred to the Shanghai office next month, so it looks like we don’t need a maid after all. However, if anyone has any insight as to whether there is still indentured servitude in China, please let us know